Love is the one great equalizer. It's the one thing that 99.7% of us can relate to. We've all loved and lost. We hold onto what's no longer there and want nothing more than to go back in time and have it back. I feel this is the only place to start our stories.
The love of my life showed up my sophomore year of college. I remember sitting in class looking at him... I wasn't exactly attracted to him at first, but I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was so mysterious... so deep. I wanted to know his story.
It took two years of being nothing but acquaintances to get inside his mind. It all started on a field trip for us. We were camping in the Arizona desert in early March and were freezing our asses off. We cuddled for warmth and both secretly liked it. When we got back to school, we had a sleepover the first night and laid in bed together for half of the next day. This went on for quite some time... we would do nothing but hang out all hours of the night, cuddle, hold each other, and talk. It wasn't until I decided to pick up and move across the country for the summer that things started to change.
One night during our routine sleepovers we were lying nose to nose. Suddenly, he kissed me. It was probably the most passionate kiss I've ever experienced in my life. I was completely consumed by it until it suddenly stopped. He mentioned that we should go to sleep and we didn't kiss again until I returned from California.
My summer away was the turning point for us. I awoke to texts from him almost every morning, talked to him via text message all day... and fell head over heels in love with him. It was intense, passionate, and real. . . And then I came home. I saw him the first night I was home and everything was perfect... then we got back to school.
I have no idea what happened next. It's all sort of a blur but somehow things just changed. Suddenly he was putting space between us and saying terrible, cruel things. Hurtful things that haunt me to this day. I fell apart. I slept every minute of everyday that was not spent in class or doing homework. This went on for over a month until he broke the silence with two words, "I'm sorry." I woke up to this text message and didn't believe it. I went into Anne's room and she confirmed that it was real and that's what it said.
I had reservations about letting him back in, but I was powerless to stop myself. We ended up falling back into our old routine, except this time things were going to be different. I was determined not to let him hurt me again. If only I had been strong enough to stop it...
After months of falling back into our normal routine, I finally got to the point where his hot and cold game was too much for my wounded heart. He snapped at me one last time and I decided it was time to move on. That's when I started dating the guy who I never really liked that much, but deeply cared for. I hate to say it, but I stayed with this guy for a year and a half because it was a distraction from the One who held my heart in a glass jar. When things between the boyfriend and I were coming to an end, the One came back into my life yet again.
We picked right back up where we left off... again Things seemed to come full circle when we found ourselves on another field trip in the Texas desert. We were at the base of a 6,000 foot climb when he told me he had been diagnosed as bi-polar. Suddenly, my heart understood the reasons for all the pain and wanted desperately to yell "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME THAT?!" But I didn't... instead I just looked at him and said "Up the mountain." Half way up the mountain we were having a minor disagreement about what we were supposed to be doing when he dropped another bombshell. Overlooking the Permian Basin he looked at me and said, "this is why we could never be together, we're both too stubborn." Everything ceased to exist at that moment. I just stared at him and thought to myself that was the biggest bunch of bullshit I had ever heard. Didn't he know I would have done anything to stay with him?! Doesn't he know I would have done anything to make it work?! Why didn't he get this!? What was his problem!?
Fast forward to present day.
This man, the One. . . This imperfect man who has broken my heart over and over again is still the love of my life. We've continued doing the hot and cold thing since it all began in 2008. Last year he had another pissy fit and I deleted him from my phone. That gave me the self control I needed to ignore his existence. A year of silence and I thought it was over. I thought I had moved on. I thought he no longer mattered.
Then he invaded my facebook 8 days ago. What I thought was my house of bricks came crumbling down around me and all it took was a picture... no words, just a picture that only he and I understand. I feel my heart trying to take over, I dream about him constantly, I can't stop wondering how he is and if he misses me...
This time though, I know better. My brain is finally in control of my dum dum of a heart. I can keep dreaming, keep missing, keep wondering. That's okay though, its normal. I know that I still love him, will always love him. No matter what. But I also know I deserve to be with someone
who loves me for me and will be HOT... all the time.Attached are secrets recovered from the Postsecret iPhone App that spoke to me on this subject. I hope its okay that I share them with you all.
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