I am not going to lie; this was an emotionally exhausting post. I did just about everything I could think of to avoid sitting down to write this. To date, I have five ex-boyfriends. My parents had a terrible marriage (divorced) - i.e. I do not have any memories of them being happy together- so it is important to me to work toward positive relationships. I will admit that I read “self-help” books. One book had an exercise where it asked the reader to define what they want or expect from a relationship. As I have never taken the time to consciously define this, I think that this is a good place for me to start. Yes, I made a table :).
These are my expectations and wants from a relationship/ partner (not in order): |
· Healthy relationship · Views relationships as an equal partnership · Is supportive and allows me to reciprocate · Honest · Open · Trusting · Trustworthy · Kind · Compassionate · Respectful · Love · Laughter, humor, playful · Intellectually stimulating · Good sexual chemistry · Intimacy · Integrity · Follows through- if you say you are going to do something, you do it · Considerate · Good communication
-Physical and emotional needs are met | · Willing and able to have respectful adult conversations regarding any conflicts that may arise- in a timely manner · Includes me in important aspects of his life- friends, family, hobbies, etc · Wants to be included in important aspects of my life, but also respects the fact that sometimes I want alone time or to spend time alone with friends and family (balance) · Positive attitude · Motivated · Active · Able to express feelings · Good listener · Not hung-up on an ex- girlfriend · Patient · Makes an effort to maintain the relationship · Feel appreciated · Want to spend time together · We are each growing as individuals as the relationship is growing · We both feel that we can be ourselves |
I recognize that knowing what a healthy relationship is, and the ability to be healthy in a relationship are two important but different things. I am working on it, though I have a tendency to select emotionally unavailable men. I think I always hope for the best but expect the worst in relationships. It is often as if I am waiting for the ceiling to fall on my head or for the floor to drop. Because I have been hurt and disappointed before, sometimes I look for problems or create them in my head (Note: this is a bad and dangerous habit- I am just used to being letdown).
Steve was my first boyfriend. I was fifteen, a sophomore, gangly, and awkward. He was eighteen, a senior, charming, and outgoing. Our first date was on Valentine’s Day. I was, in a word, smitten. He took me to senior prom on my sixteenth birthday and told me that he loved me. Steve had a burning need to constantly be the center of attention. Therefore, if he was not getting attention from me he was getting attention from some other girl. I tried to ignore it at first, but it hurt my feelings and challenged my ability to trust him. He was also fiercely opinionated and often harshly condemned my actions and beliefs, if they differed from his. Eventually, I realized that I wanted my life to go in a different direction and broke things off. We managed to remain friends for several years after that until he became a bit creepy and possessive forcing me to cut him out of my life completely.
Then there was sweet Derrick. Derrick was beyond nice. However, the more time I spent with him, the more I realized that I did not like him as much as he liked me. I felt as though he was always throwing himself on the ground and asking me to walk all over him. That was not the partnership I was looking for and I broke things off. I believe that this really hurt him, and I am deeply sorry.
Ohhhh the college years. Well, I dated around a bit, but there were two significant boyfriends. The first was Nathan. Nathan was smart, sweet, funny, and we had a lot in common. I loved him. At age nineteen, in the romantic setting of my dorm room I lost my virginity to Nathan. It was the right time for me, and I have no regrets. The more time I spent with Nathan the more I realized our differences, and although I loved him, I knew that I was not going to marry him. He was not supportive and I was concerned about his drug and alcohol consumption. When I tried to discuss concerns with him, it always ended badly. Then a met Jarrod (very sleazy smooth operator) who pursued me despite knowing that I had a boyfriend. He was exciting and I developed a crush on him. When I explained this to Nathan, he became enraged and that was the night our relationship ended. I handled the situation poorly and take full responsibility for the pain I caused him. I have always wished that I could make it right.
Nathan was followed by Rick. Rick is what is commonly referred to as “the good on paper guy.” He was polite, charming, good looking, accomplished, and had a wonderful way of saying exactly what I wanted to hear exactly when I needed to hear it. Rick could talk anyone into anything. It took me years to see his manipulation and lies. He lied to me about everything and cheated on me without me even realizing it was happening- he was smooth and I was oblivious. There were more apparent problems. Example: he would not let me meet his friends, or family, or include me on anything that was important to him. In addition, he was looking for a 1950s stepford wife… he believed that males should be the “bread winners” and dominate the relationship. My strong personality and personal goals emasculated him and he often struck back by trying to make me look and feel inferior. He wanted to get married immediately after graduation and to start making babies! I wanted to move to D.C., attend graduate school, and start a career. AKA obvious differences. Despite all of that, when he called me at 2am on a Wednesday over our summer vacation to tell me that he wanted to go on a “break” (p.s. wtf is a break) I did not take it well. Then a month later, when he derelationshiped me on facebook and put up pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend in swimsuits and sexually suggestive poses I really did not take it well. His behavior post breakup earned him the nickname “Douchebag Asshole Face” or “Douchebag” for short. I had been hurt before but this was the first time I had my heart broken. It took me months to get over this. I learned a lot about what I do not want from this experience.
Now, to talk about THE EX. For all of the Sex and the City fans, this is my Mr. Big. Big and I met 4.5 years ago while working for the same company. We became friends, then best friends, then more than friends, then best friends trying to pretend like they were not more than friends, then more than friends… you get the idea. He is smart, kind, funny, compassionate, supportive, loving, and in my biased opinion wonderful. He inspires me to want to be a better person and challenges me to grow as an individual. I feel like I have a light inside of me that shines brighter in his presence and with his influence. On the negative side, our timing has always been absolutely TERRIBLE!!!! And, he has a significant amount of emotional baggage, poor communication skills, and an inability to directly discuss emotional issues without being forced. His emotional baggage became a barrier to him letting me or anyone else in. Despite this, I feel a chemistry and a connection to him that I have never felt before. I wish there was a word beyond “love” to describe how I feel about him. He loves me too. But about three months ago he decided that he needs to work through all of the emotional baggage from his childhood and recent past relationships. He wants to do this alone without the possibility of using me as an emotional crutch. Although, I respect and understand his decision, I hate it. So, for the past three months we have had no communication (except for randomly bumping into each other on the street once). We went from talking all day every day to silence and it is so hard. The last time we talked he was in a terrible place and I really want to know that he is ok but am not contacting him out of respect for his boundaries. I miss him so much- the other day I googled him (it was a big embarrassing waste of time that did not yield any information regarding his emotional state). We did not decide if we would ever talk again, and I believe that if we do he has to initiate it. On a positive note, this time apart has inspired me to explore my own emotional and spiritual development and has yielded some good results.
Also, he just went on a two-week vacation to Australia (he planned this before we stopped talking) to decide if he wants to move there… the other side of the world- very much like the actual Mr. Big (when he moves to Paris and then Napa). As embarrassed as I am to say this, I am still totally in love with him and if he were to contact me and say that, he worked through his baggage and was in a healthy place to pursue a relationship; my answer would be “YES!!”
As I previously mentioned I am unemployed (aside from sporadic temp work), live with my parents, and am in love with my ex-boyfriend- aka my current dating life is nonexistent. I think the only way I could be less attractive would be if I were to stop showering and purchase several cats :). When I am in a better place, I will get back out there, but right now, I need to focus on my needs.
who loves me for me